My room smells like vodka and shame
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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