Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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