Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
