apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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