she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
