pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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