How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
