I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
