Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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