we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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