respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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