Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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