You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Randomize
