happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
