***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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