38 yer olds are good kisserssss
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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