The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
