I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
