I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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