so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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