I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
