A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize