i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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