I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
