if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just sent this text using only my big toe
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
