What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
