you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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