i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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