You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
