it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is the high leading the old right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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