I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
