Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
