This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
