I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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