is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
