Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
