i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize