The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
