Where did you get a picture of my penis
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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