Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
how does that bad decision feel?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
