I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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