Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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