I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize