saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
