I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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