All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
