I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
