I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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