She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
