I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
