I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
