So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
