Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
