i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
