Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
